Knives

Another woman,
Another heartbreak,
Another knife,
Through my chest.

Every new knife,
that’s pushed through,
Opens up
All the older wounds.

In these wounds,
I look for answers,
But I only ever find,
Blood, and bile, and venom.

Smarter men,
Luckier, or more fortunate,
Have already found,
The joys of settling,
growing old and fat,
impenetrable blubber skins,
Impervious and puncture-proof.

I wonder why then,
I keep letting women,
Stick their knives into me.

I wonder why
I let them leave me,
Writhing on the ground.

I wonder why
I lie there,
Waiting,
For the blood to clot,
For a scab to form,
Only to leap up,
And stick my chest out,
For another knife,
Hoping it’s the last,
But knowing it’s not.

The truth is:
Between the old scabs,
And new wounds,
Is when I remember
That I am alive.

I Remember

I remember
Sitting outside college lecture halls,
Penning pretentious poems.

I wrote about princesses in towers,
Abstract visions,
Conjured fantasies,
Layers upon layers
Of bullshit

I was afraid to say
What I really felt,
In the way
That I really felt it.

Back then,
Enslaved by emotions,
Impotent Anger,
Fervid Jealousy,
Unrequited Love,
Intense obsessions,
I wanted the whole world,
And I could have none of it.

As the years passed,
I scratched, I clawed,
And I carved out little slivers of life
Wherever I called home.

The intensity mellowed out,
The pretense dissolved,
I cleaned up the bullshit,
Or it was just
Beaten out of me.

But My little slivers of life
Were deemed inadequate
And invalid.

They told me about
All the things I didn’t have,
And all the things I hadn’t done.

So I held my little slivers tightly against my chest,
And went back to the world
Of warped fantasies.
Yet again I was enslaved, impotent, and fervid.

The love,
Yet again unrequited
The obsessions,
Yet more intense.

The world in my dreams
Now desolate and barren,
The landscape scorched,
The ground sowed with salt.

And I sit here,
Halfway across the world,
Poeting my thoughts.
Unpretentious, raw, vulnerable,
Not wanting to care,
Not able to stop

Everything is just
All too real
There’s such a finality,
An invisible deadline,
For an invisible assignment,
That’s woefully incomplete.

No more re-rolls of the dice,
No more mulligans,
And I’m back,
Right where I was,
When I sat outside lecture halls,
Penning pretentious poems.

Internal Monologues EP3: Merciless, Faceless, Rudderless

Merciless captains, and faceless sailors, of rudderless ships.
The seas teeming with sharks,
Vultures in the skies above, eager,
To swoop down upon the dead.
(‘tis indeed a feast to be had)
Captains goad us onward,
The faceless figures simply do their bidding.
They promise us riches beyond measure,
They speak of wondrous lands,
Eternal joy, transient pain,
We shall have our fill and be merry.
They say the streets are paved with gold-
With gold!
All out efforts, towards the quest for riches,
(What is the use of wealth if we do not seek
to buy?)
A lonely(?) forlorn, faceless man,
Grew weary of tyranny, and decided
To brave the open seas on his own.
In his dreams he heard,
The song of a siren,
Voice clear as the purest ice,
Cold, thing of beauty.
The siren beckoned him
To come to her-and live
In a land where the grass
Was always green, the waters clear,
The sun shone radiant, the breeze-
It was all so mesmerizing.
Ans thus he set sail on his own,
Braving the fiercest storms,
As well as the worst
Of doldrums- the siren’s voice
Guiding him, giving him
Vigor and will.
As he came unto the siren at last,
He saw her face- the crystal voice,
The radiant aura, all that he had
Ever wished he would want.
But as he came closer and closer,
He felt suffocation, the golden voice,
Turning to vicious screams, curdled his blood,
He saw to his horror, piles of dead, faceless men,
Rotting, the vultures fed on their carcasses.
He knew he could do nothing,
But be drawn into, drawn to his
Slow and agonizing death,  that which he chose
On his own.
And thus we find ourselves, being lead, or on our own,
Into the inevitabilities of annihilation.
We may fill ourselves, keep running, or stop,
Nobody gets out of here alive.